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Sunday, March 4, 2012

Self-Conscious Awareness

I'm thinking about times when I feel self-conscious. When I feel like I'm being looked at in
a less-than-favorable light. The fact is that most times that kind of "looked-at" is being done by me. And the "looking-at" that others are doing towards me are usually valid, since what I do is most definitely out of the norm.


It was an OCD type of thing. I used to squeeze glasses. Drinking glasses. Especially the cheap ones they give you in diners. So thin and crack-able. Irresistible to the likes of me! The  glassware I'm thinking about seemed to be in every place I ate going back 25 years. All of them had this type of fragile drink-ware. So, when I would be compelled to "test" the pressure limits of such objects, I would often fail at leaving them intact. There I was squeezing and breaking glasses in public, often resulting in a bleeding hand and a diner-full of stares, gasps and generally startled fellow-patrons.


And how did I handle this, you ask ? (Ok so I asked FOR you!) I seem to have developed a business-as-usual attitude that had an oddly smoke-screen-ish affect upon the surrounding observers of my strange obsession. Sometimes an almost hypnoTIC make-my-actions-invisible affect.


At the least, it helped me greatly to cope with something for which I had no logical explanation. I would downplay the situation and look for the quickest way to find help, find a solution, get what was needed (ie. stitches or a band aids...). I would refuse to panic!


Ever been self-conscious?